Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Vulnerability and Forgiveness

"Letting ourselves be forgiven is one of the most difficult hearings we will undertake.  And one of the most fruitful."

I spoke about something in my last post that's left me feeling a little vulnerable and a little raw around the edges.  It's something that I've struggled with quiet a bit most of my adult life and it's a habit that I'm very honestly ready to kick to the curb.  My dirty little secret is that sometimes I over eat.

I've not had a great relationship with food since I had a a fellow personal trainer and mentor, tell me that I needed to loose weight.  He told me that the way to do it was eating like a sparrow for a few weeks.  That sent me down the rabbit hole of not eating a lot, strict restriction and then binge eating.  This habit got a whole lot worse last year while I was prepping myself for a bikini model competition.  I followed a strict restriction diet for weeks on end, and then would get down on myself and binge.  Then the day that I finally decided that I wasn't going to do any other competitions until after the wedding I went a little crazy.  All those foods that I had restricted from myself, yet idealised as being the ultimate naughty treat was suddenly available to me in abundance.  I feel as though I was trying to make up for a year of restrictive eating by trying to eat as much naughty stuff as I could.

The problem was that I was doing this in secret, while I was trying to maintain this perfect, healthy image that I had been portraying.  Deep down I was really starting to feel like a fake and as the weight was creeping back on I started to feel more and more down on myself and turned to food to try to cheer me up.  The inner turmoil has been rough and I've made a decision that I wanted to come clean with myself so that I can begin healing and shutting the door in the face of this awful habit that I've developed.

It's hard for me to be so open and honest about this and I could have tried to deal with this behind closed doors, but I want to use this space as a true representation of me and be as real and as raw as possible.  I also want to openly make a statement to my heart and say:

"I forgive myself.  I want to let you know that I forgive you of any negative thoughts that I've held onto so tightly, I want to forgive myself for putting me down at times even though I am truly beautiful."

Forgiveness; in forgiveness you can lift that emotional weight you have attached to anything from your past so that you can free yourself of any attachment to time or a mistake that occurred in a time that no longer exists.  Releasing negative judgement allows you to see your beauty, your perfection and your essence, which is love.  By forgiving, you are free to be open to the future with amazing new possibilities.

I know that I am growing and learning and I take a little peace in knowing that I am in the exact time and moment that I need to be, this moment right now is perfect.

So today I am going to go out into the world with my head held high, knowing that I am moving forward in this life fearlessly.  Today is a brand new day and a new beginning to make the right choices for my future and not fall trap to any negative self talk.

I hope you all have a wonderful day, and if you've read this and want to talk with me about it, I am an open book please ask any questions.  Please don't hold any negative judgement of me, this was difficult to speak about but I'm taking a big step forward in me living a true and authentic life.

Lots of Love

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