Sunday, 14 September 2014

A Lesson in Facing My Fears

I'm now 6 days away from getting married... so many mixed emotions, absolute joy, excitement, love, feeling full, nervous and worried about one thing and one thing only - will I fit into my wedding dress on the day???

This one consistent worry of mine has stopped me listening to what my body needs, the last few weeks I have been doing everything from a place of fear.  I had stopped my meditation practice and substituted for pushing myself out of bed, getting hyped up on pre-workout supplements and pushing my body to the limits with crazy hard workouts - and believe me, I know how to push myself to the limits... think ex-Personal Trainer with a hardcore bootcamp mentality... yeah I can push through my breaking point without anyone else around.

I have been putting myself down almost every moment of every day with thoughts of "too fat", "your not going to look as good as you could", "You've put on too much weight", "your ass and legs are huge - what is wrong with you", "you should have done more"... seriously this has been on constant repeat for weeks now.  The first thing I think when I wake up in the morning is - crap I haven't lost any weight since yesterday - and I run my hands over my body in bed and all I can feel is the wobbly bits, then I get up and weigh myself and I hate the number I see on the scales so I instantly have a shit ass day.  Seriously it's been a little bit of mental hell!!  I haven't been stressed about anything to do with the wedding, except for this one thing - I'M NOT GOING TO FIT INTO MY WEDDING DRESS!

You know what, all this negativity towards my body has gotten me absolutely nowhere!

So this brings me to today, 6 days away from my wedding, I woke up - same thing, ran my hands over my body, "ooo i feel a bit tighter this morning" I think, jump up and weigh myself and the number I see on the scales is 3kg more than it was yesterday morning... "WTF!" I looked at myself in the mirror and I thought enough is enough.

Firstly these mother F scales are broken - throw them away, I did not put on 3kg overnight - I ate like a champ yesterday and I have for days / weeks even - Not Possible!

Secondly, I love the way I look right now, I can see a bit of an outline of my abs, I love my shoulders, I love the way my back looks, yeah my butt is a little bigger than I'm used to at the moment, but heck - I can't change that in a week and Kim Kardashian is so hot right now - Hello Big Sexy Butt!  AND my man loves my butt... maybe I should listen to the loving words that come out of his mouth every once in a while.

I stopped myself, went outside and meditated in the warm sun on this beautiful morning.  I calmed my mind down, checked in with my body and I asked myself "what do I need to know right now".

Peace.  Calm.  Relax.  Stop Worrying.  What you concentrate on is what you get.

Click!  Law of attraction 101 - What you think about constantly becomes true for you.

What do I want out of life, how do I want to feel when I see my man standing at the end of the isle on our day, how do I want to start the rest of our lives - with LOVE, pure, all encompassing LOVE.

So with that, I booked myself in for a Hot Stone Massage this morning.  Changed my outlook, if my wedding dress doesn't fit (still a possibility, that much I have accepted) you know what I'll take myself into Myer's or DJ's and I'll find a beautiful white dress that I'm comfortable in and sell the one I've got, it's all going to be ok, I am ok, life is ok, there is nothing wrong with me.

You know what else, when I stopped and opened myself up, my inspiration came flooding back! I haven't felt the pull to blog or do anything over the past few weeks, not even put beautiful pictures up on Instagram or chat with my tribe on Facebook, I really retreated inward.

But I'm so glad that I did, because now I've been reminded of how beautiful it feels to find the light again and I'm humbled to remember that I'm always learning and I'm always improving and life is giving me the lessons that I need at the exact time that I need them.

Tell me, is there anything that has been worrying you lately, that has halted you in your tracks and sent you a little in reverse?  Let me know in the comments below or leave a comment on Facebook.

Love, Love, Love you


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